


We Rise and We Fall and We Break

by GinnyK



Series: Two Lost Souls on the Highway of Life [6]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Gibbs is tired of being alone, Hanging Out, Team as Family, crazy theories, mental health, post ep On Fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:26:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Post ep for On Fire.  It's been 6 weeks since Sahar was killed and Phineas moved away.  Jack's been able to give Gibbs the time and space he requested.  After Nick's accident, Gibbs starts to realize he's had enough of both.
Relationships: Jethro Gibbs/Jacqueline "Jack" Sloane
Series: Two Lost Souls on the Highway of Life [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1351900
Comments: 13
Kudos: 102





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As with the two most recent stories in this series, the title comes from the musical Hamilton. This time from the song Wait for It.

Bishop and McGee just watched as the elevator door slid closed. Gibbs had an odd look on his face, one neither of them could quite place. It was rather unsettling but neither really wanted to admit just how unsettling.

“Come on Bishop, you don’t really think…..no, no way,” McGee said as he as he turned to walk behind his desk.

“Come on McGee, you saw that look,” Bishop said as she leaned against the front of her desk. 

“What look?” McGee asked, trying to wrap his mind around what Bishop was really suggesting.

“You know what I’m talking about,” she whispered harshly.

“No way Gibbs does that, not even for one of us,” McGee answered, shaking his head.

Bishop just gave him a pointed look. McGee returned the look but said nothing further, almost daring her to voice what she was actually thinking. 

“McGee, family is everything, we’re like his kids,” Bishop said as she pushed herself off the desk.

“We are not like his kids,” McGee snorted as he turned his attention towards his computer.

“Yeah, you kind of are,” Jack’s voice came from the balcony.

“Not helping, Jack,” McGee called over his shoulder at his teammate.

“What’s going on?” Jack asked as she came down the steps. She met them in front of Tim’s desk, balancing there on one hip. Ellie came closer, not wanting to talk very loudly, even though they were the only ones in the bullpen.

“Bishop has this crazy theory,” McGee said as he rolled his eyes. “Go ahead, tell her,” he urged.

“I think, this sounds crazy…” Bishop started.

“Cause it is crazy,” McGee snorted.

“Tim,” Jack said, eager to get Bishop to finish her thought.

Bishop glanced around the room, making sure they were still alone. “I think Gibbs killed Xavier,” she whispered, arms crossed over her chest.

“See, crazy,” McGee declared with smirk.

Jack said nothing for a minute, mulling over Bishop’s hunch. To be honest, the thought had crossed her mind very briefly an hour earlier after checking in with Gibbs. He certainly hadn’t confessed anything, or even really mentioned it. But she certainly had a sort of sixth sense when it came to Gibbs. That being said, she was also not in a million years going to ask him.

“You agree,” Bishop said as she pointed at Jack.

“I don’t agree, or I don’t want to agree. To be honest, I don’t want to know,” Jack admitted as she held her hands out in front of her.

McGee’s text message alert went off and he picked up his cell off his desk. “I gotta go,” he said. “The kids are apparently staging a coup,” he announced as he picked up his backpack and threw it over his shoulder. “We can talk about this tomorrow, or never, that works for me too,” he said as he made his way to the elevator. Both women called their “goodbyes” as he stepped on the elevator.

Bishop started to say something, but Jack waved her off. “I can’t even think about this, let alone talk about it,” she said a little more firmly than she had planned. Bishop nodded her acceptance of the situation.

“Okay, we can drop that subject, but can I ask you something else?” Ellie asked as she sat down at her desk.

Jack took her sitting down as a signal this was not going to be a one question, quick conversation. She hesitated for just a second before sitting down in Gibbs’ chair. She pushed aside his glasses and coffee mug to prop her feet up, clearly making herself comfortable.

“How is he?” Ellie asked, keeping her question vague, taking a move from Jack’s playbook.

“Can you be a little more specific?” Jack asked as she opened the top drawer of his desk, looking for a snack. The only thing she found was an old pack of gum. She closed the drawer and picked up a paper clip off the desk, something to occupy her hands. 

“We had a conversation where Gibbs said something about not wanting me to turn out like him. Which wasn’t all that weird, but he said something like….”do I look happy to you?” And then he muttered something about the boat in the basement and Bourbon. And it got me to thinking, he doesn’t look happy or I guess he looks more unhappy than usual. Which doesn’t make sense because he’s got you. He should be more happy than usual.” Ellie spit out, as she opened her top drawer rooting around for something.

Jack took a deep breath. “We haven’t seen too much of each other lately. He’s working through some things,” she replied vaguely.

“Phineas?” Ellie asked as she tossed Jack a granola bar.

“Among other things. It’s really not my place to say much but he is at least starting to realize that’s he not doing all that great, to put it bluntly. It’s hard enough to see him upset, it’s worse to see him floundering, so unsure of himself.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Ellie whispered. 

“Yeah, it wasn’t pretty the couple days after he killed Sahar,” Jack sighed as she swiped her hands over her eyes. 

“Too much Bourbon?” Ellie asked as she tossed Jack a little pack of tissues from her desk drawer. 

“Thanks. Actually no, apparently his gut is not very fond of it right now. And I think that’s a good thing. He needs some healthier coping skills. He needs to talk to someone other than me. We realize we need boundaries. I don’t want to be his therapist.”

“Is he talking to Grace?” Ellie asked.

“Yeah. And without too much complaining, I think.”

“Meds?” Jack just looked at Bishop, wondering where that comment would have come from. “I overheard him talking to Ducky one day. I think he knows I overheard the conversation.” Jack just nodded. “Does he hear from Finn?”

“Yeah. They were up last weekend taking care of some things at the house. Finn was sorry he missed you. He was so excited to see Gibbs. Otherwse, they talk every few days. Usually Skype on the weekend.”

“Skype? You’re kidding me. You set that up for him?” Ellie asked with a laugh.

“Believe it or not, he owns a laptop which McGee set up for him. He actually uses Skype pretty regularly with Finn and with Tony, Ziva and Tali. That’s a bright spot in his life right now.”

“You are a bright spot too,” Ellie pointed out with a smile.

“I’d like to think I am, or could be, if we were actually spending time together. I’d like to get back to our normal, poorly defined relationship,” Jack said with a little snort. “We haven’t seen that much of each other outside of here lately. It’s by choice, a mutual choice,” she added. 

“But you miss him?” Ellie guessed with a little smile.

“Yeah. Sounds ridiculous to say I miss a man I pretty much see every day,” Jack sighed.

“Makes perfect sense to me,” Ellie grinned as her text went off. She picked up her phone, a big smile coming across her face.

“Nick?” Jack guessed, already knowing she was right.

“Yeah, he’s bored. Gibbs apparently just left him.”

“Go, get out of here and visit him,” Jack suggested as she pulled her feet down.

“I think I will,” Ellie agreed as she stood up. She put her backpack on her chair and stuffed a few things in there.

“Give Nick a kiss from me,” Jack said as she gave Ellie a quick hug. Ellie sputtered a little and blushed as Jack just shook her head at her friend. “If Gibbs and I can navigate our more than slightly unconventional relationship, you and Nick certainly are capable of a normal one,” Jack said with a smile. Ellie returned the smile and gave a little teary nod. She headed for the elevator and Jack grabbed her shoes before heading for her office.

*********

Jack did a little work and texted with Finn for a while. She told him in very vague terms about Nick, feeling that keeping things from him completely was not the way to go. Finn promised to make him a card. 

About 7:00 she gathered her things to head home. She hadn’t heard from Gibbs since the early afternoon. Part of her wanted to check in with him and she thought for the 100th time in the past few weeks that it would be so much easier if the man would get a smart phone so she could just send him a quick text. She was hoping Finn would eventually persuade him to get one. 

She told herself that if she didn’t hear from him by the time she got home, she would call. In the 6 weeks since Sahar’s death and Phineas’ move, Jack had continued to give him some space. Some days she did better than others, but Gibbs understood she was trying. Just as she knew Gibbs was trying to communicate better and not bottle everything up inside. They saw each other at work, shared lunch and coffee once or twice a week but they hadn’t spent a whole lot of time with each other after work or on the weekends. Last weekend, after helping Finn and his family with things at the house Jack had fallen asleep on Gibbs’ couch but that was the only time they’d spent the night in the same house in well over a month.


	2. Chapter 2

As Jack stepped off the elevator, she realized she wouldn’t have to decide about making a phone call. Gibbs was sitting against her front door with his knees pulled up, arms wrapped around his shins. His backpack and ever-present cup of coffee were on the floor next to him. He looked pale and exhausted, which was pretty much his default appearance as of late. 

“Didn’t want to pick the lock?” Jack teased as she headed towards him with a smile on her face.

“Nah, didn’t seem right,” he teased. 

Jack held out her hand and helped pull him to his feet. “Been sitting long?” she asked as he threw his backpack over one shoulder. She was pretty sure it had been a while as he was walking rather stiffly as they entered her apartment. 

“Uh, an hour or so,” he muttered as he checked his watch.

“Let’s start with the obvious, you could have called,” Jack pointed out as she toed off her shoes and dropped her tote bag on the couch.

“I know, was about to consider it. No worries Jack. It’s not like we had plans. I left Nick and to be honest I really didn’t want to be alone. I miss you. But I don’t know if I want to talk, but I came here anyway. It’s been a while since we hung out,” he rambled as he followed her into the kitchen. He tossed the empty coffee cup in the trash and grabbed a banana from the basket on the counter. Knowing him as she did, Jack handed him the jar of peanut butter and a knife. They were accepted with a little wink. Gibbs sat down at the kitchen table, kicked off his shoes and opened the peanut butter jar.

“I miss you too,” Jack said as she kissed the top of his head. "I’ll be right back,” she said as she headed for her room to change. She grabbed her phone out of her bag on the way to check the text she heard come in. It was a picture from Bishop, a cute selfie of her and Nick. He looked pretty good, all things considered. She sent back a quick reply letting her know Gibbs had shown up on her doorstep.

Jack changed into her pajamas, which as usual consisted of a pair of leggings and a flannel shirt she’d taken from Gibbs’ house. She went into the bathroom to wash off her makeup before padding back to her room.

“Nice pajamas,” Gibbs teased as he came down the hall and leaned in the doorway, looking both exhausted and adorable. He stood there, basically waiting for an invitation to actually come in the room. 

“You don’t have to lurk in the hallway, Cowboy,” Jack teased as she tossed the pants she’d just taken off into the hamper in the corner. She chucked her shoes in the closet and ran her hands through her hair pulling it back into a messy bun.

Gibbs pushed himself off the door jamb and pretty much face planted on the bed, garnering a chuckle from Jack. She turned on the light on the nightstand and turned off the overhead light before settling down next to him. Gibbs tucked one arm under the pillow and turned his head to look at Jack.

“You look like you want to say something,” he whispered. “Which is not unusual,” he added with a laugh. 

“I had a talk with Bishop before I left today. She said you two had an odd, or nice, little conversation, she wasn’t sure which. But apparently you admitted you’re not exactly, uh, happy, I guess. And that you don’t want her to end up in a basement with a boat and Bourbon,” Jack smirked as she reached to rub his back.

“So,” he muttered, unsure of where the conversation was going or how he was supposed to react.

“So, I think it shows you’re gaining a little insight. Maybe you’re willing to be open with someone other than me. And that you’re concerned about your team.”

“Of course, I’m concerned about my team,” he said quietly. “I almost lost one of them today. I don’t even know what I would have done if Nick had died. That would have been more than I could handle, I’m sure of that.”

“I know,” Jack said softly as she reached out to cup his cheek gently. “Talk,” she mouthed.

Gibbs took a deep, shaky breath and nodded. “When Vance told Bishop and I that Xavier was entitled to this damn immunity crap, she lost it on Vance and rightly so. Asked him what he would do if it were his son lying in the hospital.”

“Wow, what happened next?” Jack asked as she propped her head up in her hand.

“I asked her to leave and then I asked Vance to answer her question. Told me it wasn’t the same thing. He said something about Nick not being my son and I said something I’ve never said aloud before,” he sighed as he rolled onto his back, hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling. Jack just nudged him with her foot in hopes that he would continue. “I spit out that ..that they’re the only kids I have left.” Jack just smiled and laughed a little. “What the hell is so funny?” Gibbs asked as he turned his head just enough to look at her.

“When I walked into the bullpen, McGee and Bishop were discussing that very thing. For the record, Tim was saying he doesn’t think you see them that way, Bishop completely does.”

“I know Bishop does and deep down, I’m sure Tim does too.”

“I’m sure he does. Oh, by the way, I told Bishop you own a laptop and know how to use Skype.”

“That just came up in conversation?” he groaned. He rather enjoyed being labeled as tech phobic. 

“Actually, yes. She was asking about Phineas.” Jack said a she reached out to fiddle with the button on his polo shirt. “And I think you might have to rethink Rule #12,” she added, changing subjects quickly. It was something Gibbs was getting better at following, as it happened pretty frequently.

“Bishop and Torres, or you know, us?” he teased as he grabbed her hand and pressed it to his heart.

“Possibly both,” Jack teased right back before falling silent. She pulled her hand back and sat up, turning to stare out the window. 

“Jack?” Gibbs asked as he rolled over onto his side.

“Bishop and McGee were contemplating something when I walked into the bullpen,” she started, unable to look at Gibbs. “A theory, actually.”

In a second Gibbs knew what she was talking about, or trying not to talk about. He’d seen the look both Ellie and Tim had given him as the elevator had slid closed. “Something you want to ask me Jack?” he asked in his clipped “agent” tone, one he didn’t use very often with Jack. He was thankful she was facing away from him, it was one of those moments he didn’t want to look her in the eye.

“Honestly, no. I don’t want to ask; I don’t want to know. Hell, I don’t even want to think about it,” Jack sighed. Gibbs reached out to tentatively to put his hand on her hip. She flinched but he didn’t pull away.

“Then we will drop the subject forever,” Gibbs said as he rolled over and stood up. A small part of him wanted to just bolt, leave her place and head home. But another part, the part he was trying to listen to, was telling him not to run away. Jack was unlikely to push him to talk if he didn’t want to, she genuinely seemed happy to see him in a setting other than the bullpen or her office. Gibbs stood in front of her dresser for a minute, getting a good look at himself in the mirror. As was the norm lately, he wasn’t happy with what he saw. He picked up a few things off the dresser, a bottle of perfume, a scarf, her watch, messing with them like a fidgety kid before setting them back down after catching Jack glaring at him in the mirror. “It’s just all so hard,” he muttered and he pulled his shirttails out of his pants and ran a hand through his hair.

“What’s so hard?” Jack asked as she grabbed the throw off the end of the bed and settled down against the headboard.

“Life, I suppose,” he muttered. “There are times I can see where just giving up has its merits,” he snorted.

“Gibbs,” Jack said, her tone giving a slight warning as her psychologist sense started to tingle.

“Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on life. Just too many thoughts floating around, I guess,” he said as he tapped his temple. “Before you ask, yes, I’m keeping my appointments with Grace and taking the meds.”

“Helping at all?” Jack asked, realizing she hadn’t really asked about either of them, out of respect for his desire to put space between the two of them.

“I think so. At least the talking part, I don’t think the meds have really kicked in yet,” he answered honestly as he started to pace around the room. 

“Yeah, it does take time, unfortunately. Oh, Bishop overheard you talking to Ducky about the meds.”

“Yeah, I figured she did. Not used to my team knowing all of my secrets,” he snorted as he continued his pacing around and touching just about anything he could get his hands on. “Sorry,” he apologized with a little chuckle as Jack glared at him again.

Jack got up and took him by the hand. She deposited him on the edge of the bed before opening up her dresser to see if he had any pajamas there. After a minute she found a t-shirt of his and a pair of flannel pants. She silently tossed both towards him and left the room so he could change. 

“Hey Sloane, thanks for the heartfelt invitation to stay,” he teased, calling to her retreating form as she headed down the hall. He smiled as he heard Jack laugh all the way to the kitchen. Gibbs changed quickly, folding his work clothes and setting them on the chair in the corner of her room. He wandered into the kitchen to see what Jack was up to. She was on the phone and it only took a minute for him to figure out she was talking to Ellie. He paced around for a few minutes, giving her a bit of privacy to most likely talk about him and about Nick.

“Did you eat dinner?” Jack asked as he came back into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and looked around, not really finding anything appealing.

“Think I forgot,” Gibbs admitted with a little chuckle.

“Yeah me too,” Jack laughed as she picked her phone back up and ordered a pizza.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very rarely give any warnings for my work. But this chapter does touch briefly upon mental health and substance abuse issues.

They were sprawled out on the couch 45 minutes later with pizza and Bourbon. The Capitals game played on the television with the sound down low. They made small talk while they ate, mostly about Nick and by extension, Ellie. When she was done eating, Jack tossed her paper plate on the coffee table and knocked back a large mouthful of Bourbon.

“So, is tonight a one-off thing or are we back to our normal, comfortable, undefined, whatever the hell it is we have?” Jack asked, her inquiry fueled by more Bourbon than she’d had in quite a while. Her question caught Gibbs both off guard and mid sip of his drink. “Sorry,” she said as she patted his back a little while he tried to stop coughing and catch his breath. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his t-shirt and calmed down.

“I think I might be done trying to hide from the world,” he admitted with a sigh as he tucked one leg under him and turned to face his companion. He let his hand rest on the back of the couch, his fingers brushing her shoulder. “I’m ready to get back to whatever the hell this is,” he said with the cheeky grin Jack had grown to love.

“Good,” Jack replied simply. She took a second of deliberation before she leaned forward to wrap Gibbs up in a hug. 

“But seriously, thank you. I know it wasn’t easy for you to just sit back and watch me try to keep my head above water,” he whispered as he held her tightly, chin resting on her shoulder.

“Definitely not one of the easier things I’ve ever had to do,” Jack admitted as she rubbed his back. “God, I missed this,” she said before she pulled back, kissed his cheek and sat up. With a little smile, she scooted to the end of the couch with a throw pillow in her lap. Gibbs took the wordless invitation and curled up.

“I missed this too,” he whispered. For a second Jack thought he would maybe start a conversation about something, anything, but a key power play by the Capitals caught his attention. Baby steps Jack thought to herself. He came over of his own accord. He said he was ready to rejoin the world and he was currently curled up in her lap in his pajamas. Wasn’t much more she could ask for at the moment. And she knew that in Gibbs’ world, the things he’d done so far that night were much more than baby steps.

They watched the hockey game for a while, or more specifically, Gibbs watched the game, Jack watched him and let her mind wander. He seemed content to stay curled up with his head in Jack’s lap, her fingers running through his hair. As for Jack, she was more than content.

At the start of the 3rd period Jack’s phone vibrated on the arm of the couch. It was a text from Ducky, apparently he’d been trying to get a hold of Gibbs to no avail. The good doctor was glad to hear his friend had shown up on Jack’s doorstep and thrilled when he received a selfie Jack took of her and Gibbs, who was now sound asleep, head still in her lap.

_DM-My dear Jacqueline, that’s my two peas in a pod. Tell Jethro to give me a call tomorrow, nothing of importance, just checking in._

_JS-Truly hoping we are back to being “two peas in a pod”. I’ll have him call you in the morning. Good night._

After sending the last text to Ducky and she slipped off the couch, settling the blanket over Gibbs’ sleeping form. Jack went into her room to look for Gibbs’ phone. She found it on her dresser, battery dead. In the kitchen she plugged it into his spare, and rather ancient, charger cord which she found on the top of her microwave. She emptied her dishwasher and set up the coffee maker for the morning, doubling her usual amount given her overnight guest.

It was still relatively early, a little after 10:00 when Jack finished tidying up the kitchen. She wandered back into the living room to check on Gibbs. He stirred as she came into the room, rubbing at his eyes to orient himself a little. 

“What time is it?” he asked as he sat up a little, absently rubbing his left knee. 

“Just after 10:00. Thought you might just sleep through the night,” Jack said as she sat down on the coffee table in front of him

“Sleep’s been a little elusive lately,” Gibbs admitted with a sigh. “And yes, I’ve resorted to taking something once in a while.”

“Didn’t ask,” Jack said with a smirk. “But thanks for the info. Don’t suppose you brought the pills with you?”

“Actually, I have a couple Lexapro and Ambien in my backpack. Figured carrying around a few of each is probably a good idea, given the fact I don’t always make it home in a timely manner.”

“How pro-active of you,” Jack teased as she reached out to tap his left knee, saying nothing.

“Yeah, knee’s a little cranky lately. And before you offer, Advil and an ice pack would be great,” he said with a smirk of his own. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he said as he hitched his thumb down the hall towards the bathroom.

“Advil’s in the medicine cabinet. Do you want tea?” Jack asked as he got up off the couch gingerly.

“Sure.”

Jack turned on the flame under the kettle and grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet. She picked something decaf for both of them in hopes they would both get some much-needed sleep. Truth be told, her own sleep hadn’t been all that great over the last month or so either.

As she waited for the water to boil, she realized Gibbs hadn’t wandered back from the bathroom. She glanced down the hall, the bathroom door was open and the light was off. Given the small number of places he could be she poked her head into her room and found him sitting on the cedar chest at the end of her bed, staring out the window admiring her view of the Capitol building. The room was fairly dark, only lit by the hallway light.

“You want me to bring the tea in here?” Jack asked. Even though her voice was quiet Gibbs still jumped a little at the sound of it. He was clearly a million miles away. In Jack’s experience that meant one of two things, he was either about to open up, or shut down. She was hoping it was the former.

“Huh? Uh yeah, thanks,” he whispered as he ran a hand down his face.

“I’ll be right in. You can put the TV on,” Jack offered as she watched him for a second. Gibbs stood up and grabbed the remote off the nightstand. He flicked through the channels for a minute before landing on ESPN, his personal default channel. 

Jack came back with the tea and an ice pack tucked under her arm. She motioned for Gibbs to grab it before she set the mugs on the nightstand next to him. He took the ice pack with a small grateful smile, setting it on his knee.

They watched TV for a little while drinking their tea, well Jack wasn’t really watching ESPN, she was watching the man next to her. Both were quiet but not awkwardly so. When the show he was watching was over and the tea gone, Jack took the mugs in the kitchen and locked up for the night. She brushed her teeth and came back into her room, not sure what to expect. The television had been turned off. Gibbs had tossed the ice pack aside and crawled under the covers. Jack turned out the hall light and walked around to the other side of the bed, curling up completely on her side of the bed.

After a long few minutes, Gibbs reached out to find Jack’s hand under the covers. 

“I think….I know I’m better off than I was the night I killed Sahar and shattered Finn’s world,” he started. It was clear to Jack he was choosing his words very carefully.

“I think you are you too,” Jack agreed, not wanting to say too much as she was completely unsure of where the conversation was headed, or if it was really headed anywhere. She figured maybe there was a chance of Gibbs talking in the dark of her room, fueled by Bourbon.

“But I think that night and the days that followed, I was in a place I’ve never been before. Somewhere I don’t want to ever be again.”

His words sparked something in Jack and she sat up quickly, stopping short of flicking on the light. He knew his wording was likely to cause the very reaction he was now seeing.

“Jethro, I need you to answer something for me,” Jack said carefully, the use of his given name grabbing his attention as it usually did.

“Okay,” he whispered as he sat up cross legged, facing Jack. He was pretty sure he knew what she was going to ask and he was also shocked she hadn’t asked it before. Grace had, more than once, but Jack hadn’t broached the subject.

“Were you suicidal?” Jack asked simply. There was no other way to ask it.

“No. Not then and certainly not now. I was in a bad place and struggling more than I ever thought I would, but at no point did I ever consider hurting myself, or worse, I swear,” he whispered harshly as he leaned over which his head in his hands. 

“Okay,” Jack whispered as she put her hands on his knees and leaned forward to press a kiss to the top of his head.

“I’ve killed people before. I’ve killed people I know. And yet I’ve never felt this way about it,” he sighed as he rubbed at his damp eyes.

“You know why this is different, right?” Jack asked as she tipped up his chin a little to get him to look at her.

“Yeah, because of Phineas. Grace and I have talked about it. Working on processing it with her,” he said with a little grin. “The way I felt scared me,” he admitted.

Jack wanted to say something but she was struggling to keep her psychologist background out of their personal relationship. Instead she scooted to sit against the headboard and Gibbs crawled into her embrace, ending up with his head on her shoulder, their legs tangled under the blankets.

“I just felt so alone. And I know, that’s what I wanted. That’s what I asked you to do, to leave me alone. Looking back, it probably wasn’t what I needed. But you already knew that,” he chuckled against her neck. 

“Yeah, I did, but you needed to figure it out for yourself. And I think the fact that you’re here right now means you are starting to figure it out. Baby steps are fine, Jethro. As long as you’re taking some steps in the right direction,” Jack assured him as she pressed a kiss to his forehead and rubbed his back a bit. 

“I’ve never felt so anxious and unsure of myself, ever. Can I be honest about something?” he asked as he wiped his eyes.

“Always.”

“You know how I said my gut was cranky and that’s why I wasn’t drinking,” he started, once again carefully choosing his words

“Sure.”

“While that was certainly true and still is to some extent, there was more behind my decision not to drink in general, tonight notwithstanding. I was afraid of how easy it would have been to drown myself in alcohol every night. And despite what you and Grace may think about me at times, I do have a little insight,” he teased.

“That shows more than a little insight,” Jack clarified.

“Not ready to give up Bourbon altogether, but I guess I’m just trying to be more aware of how easy it is to reach for the bottle when I get home at night. It’s just easy for it to be part of my routine, bourbon, basement, boat as I told Bishop,” he joked.

“Yeah, that’s how things start down a dangerous path. Can I be honest too?” Jack asked as she ran her hand down his arm and entwined her fingers with his.

“Always darlin’ always,” Gibbs whispered. He wasn’t much for terms of endearment but every once in a while, one slipped out. And as usual, it brought a smile to Jack’s face.

“I’m proud of you. I know how hard it is for you to talk about personal things, to let people in and to realize that you’re not alone. I admit there have been way too many times over the last few months when I’ve felt completely helpless, heartbroken and just plain sad. I’ve felt useless at times and overbearing at others. I’ve seen my therapist more in these past few months than I have in a long time too,” Jack said quietly. 

“Jack, you’ve done more for me than you will ever know. Even when I was all but pushing you away, you sat quietly at my place, staying close by. You’ve protected me from outside forces and from myself. You’ve seen me at my worst and I hope in the near future you’ll have a chance to see me at my best, or at least closer to my best. Honestly not sure what my best is right now, seems like it’s been so long since I’ve been anywhere near that,” Gibbs rambled.

“I’d love to see you at your best. And there is no place else I would have rather been these last few months, than by your side,” Jack whispered as she tipped his chin up and kissed him softly. The kiss was different than others they’d shared. It possibly crossed some poorly defined line they’d set up for themselves. But whatever it was, it was exactly what they needed at that very moment. Jack pulled back as her tears started. Gibbs laid down, pulling her close. He wiped the tears away with his thumb and kissed her forehead. 

.

As one day turned into the next, they fell asleep curled up with each other, like two peas in a pod.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your kudos and comments.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Alcoholic Anonymous www.aa.org


End file.
